I am a habitual dieter. I have been in this cycle of diets and binging since I had Dane is 2009. When he was born, I was SO not used to my new mommy body. Don't get me wrong, I was skinny (skinnier than I am no at least) but I was so insecure about my stomach mostly. My loose skin and stretch marks killed my self esteem. I was young and just got married. I didn't want to be insecure. I tried Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, the gym, crunches, yoga you name it. My weight didn't move much at all. I got pregnant with Knox, and then nursed him for 6 months. I got SKINNY then. I was 122 at my skinniest with nursing him. I wasn't trying super hard, but I was exercising and my body was craving fresh fruits and veggies and honestly with a nursing baby you don't get to get out much and go out to dinners/etc so I wasn't eating out as much as I used to.
Anyway, go through these cycles where I diet for a few weeks, go hard at it, lose weight (anywhere between 3-8 or 9 lbs) and then fall off the wagon and never get back up. Then I end up just gaining more and more weight. I have done this countless times. I feel so good when I finally get to eat "normally" again and decided to quit a diet. My hubby is not overweight, and never has been. He is 200 lbs at 6 ft tall. He is normal size and weight. He can work out for 2 weeks and lose 10 lbs and his body is cut. He is just athletic. So he doesn't always understand the trials and struggles us people who don't have it that easy have to go through.
Not that I am blaming him in any way, I just stupidly always agreed wit him when he would tell me that I didn't need to diet just make better choices. Well we all know I am not making better choices, I'm making worse ones!
Well this is the end of that. I may never get back to 137 (my weight when I found out I was pregnant with Knox. Pretty much my normal weight, I have been 135-137 and have struggled to go lower) I may never been 120 again. I may never been 140 even. I don't really care. At this point for me, in this journey, I am just trying to push through and create the groundwork for good habits. I am trying to lose weight, but I don't have a specific number in mind. I am not going to stress out over the weight loss and give up if it isn't the unrealistic goal I had in my head. I am going to do this slow and steady.
Today I had a small victory. I went to town and had to go to the store, so I decided to get the kids McDonald's. They haven't had any kind of fast/eating out food in a while. I thought the whole way from my house to the store to McDonald's about quitting this diet. I thought about if I wanted to give up and get something from the drive thru and order a big pop to go with it. I seriously contemplated is for what seemed like forever. I knew that the answer SHOULD be. I also knew my fat self, and I knew what I wanted to do. I thought about how I would feel if I did it, how I would feel to quit. I thought if I am not ready now, if being THIS overweight isn't going to do anything for me, then what on earth is it going to take to make me get it?! And so I decided to skip it and go home and make myself a ww friendly lunch. It is a small victory but it is also a big one.
I told my husband that this week would be a tough one for me and I would need a lot of support. This is normally the time that I would give up and begin the cycle over again. Well I am breaking that cycle. I am finished doing that. One of the many reasons why I love weight watchers. You don't feel deprived, if you want to eat something EAT it. If you don't, don't. You are your own boss.
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