Weight Watchers

I have tried millions of do-it-myself diets and shortly after crashing and burning because I have no motivation/accountability/lazy/missing fat girl foods/ so many reasons. I decided to take the plunge and sign up for 4 months of weight watchers online. I came to this decision after starting a new job at a tanning salon, which is a pretty superficial place to work. Don't get me wrong, everyone who works there and goes there is SUPER nice, it just forced me to take a look at myself (as I have done many times before) and really realize that I need to take charge of my weight. I want to be the person that I used to be. I want to be the person I am inside on the outside.

I want to say that I don't know how it got to this point but I would be lying. I have never been an athletic type ( I have big boobs, OK!) But I have always been relatively slim. I have always had curves, bit boobs and decent butt. I used to be able to eat anything (and I mean anything) and never gain weight. I worked at a pizza place in high school, and ate out almost every single day for our open lunch, as well as when I worked at night 3x a week. I never even thought about it. 

me in the day of my senior prom. 2005

I met Derek and when I was 19 and was about 125 or so. I had always been between 115-120. We dated for few months and I started to put on weight. I was drinking a lot more, eating poorly and I guess that was catching up with me. Call it the freshman 15 I didn't gain when I was a freshman. 

I began working out and dieting and I lost those 8 lbs and I felt like I had conquered the world. I had a great routine where I would go to the gym, go to class, scheduled my meals, tracked my food, all that jazz. After losing that weight, I stopped working out and all that and ended up gaining about 15-20 lbs until I found out I was pregnant with Dane. I was 144 when I got pregnant and remember thinking how fat I was. I was in size 30 BKE's and I hated that. 

The night before we found out I was pregnant. 144

After having Dane I was so insecure with my body. I hated my new stretch marks. I hated my stomach and how no matter what exercise I tried it was still just hanging there. I felt like I was so young (22) and I should not have to look like this. I was still slim though at about 135 ish lbs. 

I got pregnant with Knox at 137. With both the boys I gained between 20-25 lbs. I was 156 I think when I went in to have Knox. I nursed Knox for 6 months and for some strange reason craved fresh fruit and veggies and just good food during that time. I worked out a little while nursing but not much. I broke my foot during that time as well. I was at my skinniest at 122 and was in size 4 jeans. I was too thin. I didn't even try to be that skinny with nursing and eating right the weight just dropped off. I was a lucky one. 

After quitting nursing, I started to pack on the pounds. Ever since I was in the hospital with Knox I was put on antidepressants (celexa) to deal with my anxiety attacks. I never thought anything of it until after I quit nursing the pounds starting piling on. I looked online and found that lots of people were also having this problem with celexa. I continued on it because I needed it so badly. Anxiety is no joke and if you don't have it you have no idea how debilitating it can be. Anyway, I remember saying " oh as long as I don't get past 140 I am ok with that. 140 and I will have to do something about it" Well 140 came and went and I didn't do anything about it. I remember feeling bad about myself but still not having the motivation to do anything about it. I got to 150-155 and I was at a point where I stopped caring. I still felt really bad about myself but I wasn't at a point where I felt like I was FAT.

 I tried a few times to diet but never made it past a couple of weeks without slipping back into my old ways. I got off Celexa and thought that the weight would start to come off . It didn't. The last 20 lbs took a while to put on. Maybe the course of a year. I am currently at 174 and in a size 14. It kills me to realize that. I don't understand how I could mentally dismiss all the signs that I was on a bad path. All the times I could have made better choices but didn't. All the times I knew I needed to get off my ass but I didn't.

So here is to the past, you can't change it but you sure can control your future.